Josephine Maquilinq: “Asking questions gives your child an opportunity to think and express himself”

According to the research held by The Happiness Research Institute, Canada takes fourth in best world countries for raising kids. Sweden, Denmark and Norway take top three places, while Finland ranks fifth.

We talked about the secrets of raising kids in Canada with Josephin Maquilinq. It is worth noting that Josephin Maquilinq has been working as a specialist on preschoolers for more than 20 years. In addition, she worked with high school students at various times.

– In Canada children are inspired by encouraging phrases like “You can do it!”, “You are great!”, “You are very smart”. And it is considered more important than classes and homework. What are the benefits and advantages of this kind of incentive?

– Building self-confidence in children and further improve of it is very important in North America. Using phrases such as “You can do it!”, “You are great!”, “You are very smart!” is a very positive way to move children forward. Lessons, assignments, in a word, academic knowledge is a piece of paper. A child needs communication that is more positive. By saying these phrases, we build confidence in the kid from an early age, so he can show his academic skills once he grows up.

We must motivate a child starting from birth and encourage him in every step of the way. You may deem that a two-month-old infant understands nothing. However, they are very sensitive and able to comprehend what parentis saying through his/her glance, movement, tone of voice. Even if the child is not aware of anything, we should keep encouraging him. This is the key to teaching self-confidence in them from infancy.

– If we keep saying “You can do it!”, “You are brave!” to a child even when he is not able to do anything, for instance, a 10-year-old child fails in his attempt to do something, in your view, would not he feel ashamed and disappointed by our inspiring words?

– It is up to a child. Parents must approach towards the child as a whole. In North America, such issues, in general, are viewed positively, and it is believed that if a child is not instilled with self-esteem from the earliest years, he will be loaded with negative. When a child is charged negatively, he has a low self-esteem. In this regard, even if the child is unable to do anything, the parent should “push” him forward with motivational words so that he is half a step ahead and does the best he can.

Children always watch how we speak and act. If parent, especially a mother, is nervous and angry all time, the child also will always be nervous and anxious. Children absorb our energy. If we feel anxiety about falling of our kid when he starts walking, he will definitely feel it and get scared of walking. As parents, we are their guides, trustworthy people who can build and boost self-confidence in them. What kind of behavior of children is unacceptable in public places?

–  In the 21st Century, it is hard to say that any behavior of children in Canada is not accepted by society. Any action taken by a child in kindergarten, school, broadly speaking, in any child institution is acceptable. Thus, the staff of these institutions has special trainings so that they can comprehend children and get along with them. No one can tell any child not to come to the institution. Since, some actions belong to the family, and the child has nothing to do with them. For example, one of parents might pass away, or a child or mother might be abused. Legal system of Canada prohibits any discrimination against children.

 -According to your 20 years of work experience with children, what mistakes do you think parents in Canada make while raising a kid?

–  There is no any book claiming that someone is a perfect or poor parent. We can be superb psychologists, teachers, and journalists. However there is no a book teaching you how to be a perfect parent. You have to learn and grow every day. Even in the family, each child possesses individual character and personality. You may not find your child’s features in the book. You need to make quick decisions, in accordance with your child’s actions and reaction to the environment. Your discipline rules may work for one of your child, while fail in another child. This is the toughest point for parents. You need to treat and approach towards your children as individuals.

Some parents are too much protective and fastidious. For instance, if a kid gets dirty some parents are angry with them, or they do their best to keep the child from falling. Parents make mistake, mostly, in the first child. In my view, a parent should ask and get other parents’ experience about upbringing.  Parents, especially from other countries, have no experience about raising a kid in Canada. Some parents want to make their dreams come true in their children’s lives. They pass their dreams to their children. This is, totally, a wrong step by parents, and unfair decision for children. First of all, you should observe your child to discover his talent and find out what field he is interested in. Only afterwards, you can guide your child in a proper direction.

According to my experience, I can say that a good parent spends time with his child, no matter he is tired after work or not. Every day, parents should ask the child how was his day. Parental duties are not concluded only by meeting the child’s financial needs, purchasing many toys, providing them with private kindergarten or school. A good parent should be able to listen to his child, create warm atmosphere for child so he can share his feelings when he feels down, and find ways out of the problem together. On the other hand, parents do not always have to show solution for the problem, sometimes they just should ask what his child is thinking. Asking questions gives your child an opportunity to think and express himself. If you overprotect the child from all drawbacks, and take decisions instead of him, he will not be able to learn anything and fail to be independent.

Furthermore, parents, father and mother should spend equal time with a child and share all responsibilities together. Father should share the work with mother in the kitchen, as well as, mother should give a hand to father on bringing more funds to the family budget and so on.

– In Canada I have learned the phrase “5 more minutes”and applied this method on my children. Happy to say, I got a very positive result. For example, after playing in the park, once it is time for a child to go home, parents do not suddenly say, “Let’s go home,” or while the child is watching a cartoon, parents do not take the “remote control” and switch to a TV series or news program. A child is always given extra 5 minutes. What is the advantage of “5 more minutes” method?

 – This is an advance notice. Once a child plays, his brain is occupied solely with the game, or when he watches a cartoon, he feels within the cartoon. In this situation, if you suddenly say to the child, “Let’s go,” he will not get you. However, giving additional time makes child ready to be removed from their favorite activities. This is a useful type of transition to move from one activity to another. A child, in reality, does not know the essence of 5 minutes. That is, if you go in 2 minutes, he will believe it is already 5 minutes, but the main point here is that he gets time to prepare his brain. It works the same for adults as well. We, after all, are not robots that can suddenly be stopped or changed only by pressing a stop  button.

– Let’s move on beating a child. What are the consequences of physical violence for both the child and parent?

– Beating a child is considered physical abuse. Our muscles are very strong, and children are very small and fragile. It is dangerous and can cause physical injury. Speaking frankly, my parents beat me. Because they did not know what words and phrases to use to keep the child under control. At that time, there were not adequate books and materials on this topic to read and learn about it. Today it is possible to get sufficient data and knowledge on the Internet. Beating a child is a crime in North America. Any child must not be given even a single flick. Because even if a child does not get a visible injury, he is more likely to speak about it at school. In that case, we as teachers will call parents, police and children’s social services. The child can be taken away from the parent, consequently.

The one who was frequently beaten in his childhood is more likely to be a physical abuser, once he or she grows up. Children, who were up brought in this way, think that if they were beaten, they can beat other children or adults who are weak.

– But what should a parent do to avoid beating a child? As there are some moments that there is no way out for the parent but slap the child.

– I do believe that beating a child is not going to solve the problem. If the child ignores you take his favorite toy away, do not buy an ice cream you promised to buy for him, or take the child away from the situation and environment that makes him hurt, aggressive. By acting in this way, you remove your child from that unpleasant situation. Alternatively, you just should leave the room. Otherwise, physical violence will cause problem to you. If the child has an injury, you will be the first suspect in police investigation. Therefore, it is better to stay away from the child and not to talk to him/her. In other words, you just need ignore the child for a while. When you head off another room, just note that whenever he feels ready to talk, you will talk about his actions. This method will definitely work.

You should talk to your spouse about what you can do with this situation. It should be noted that parents must work as a team. If the mother says “no”, it must be “no”, and the father cannot say “yes”, or vice versa. Disagreement between parents over children is always an issue in the families. Even if one parent is very strict, another is soft, does not matter, both must respect each other and be on the same page.

 – How much freedom should be given to children?

–  It depends on your culture and values. I would give children freedom to choose all activities by themselves. This will help them to discover the fields their skills and talents fit in. Children need to feel free to choose a sport, for example, basketball, chess, swimming for themselves or any musical instrument to play.

Freedom at home is different. You are a parent; he is a child at home. He has to respect you. You should avoid being a good friend with your child. Otherwise, respect will die out. And one day your child may offer you, “Mom, dad, let’s smoke,” or “Let’s have a drink.”  This is impermissible at all. I do not believe that children and parents are best friends. Parents should listen to their children – when they feel down, need to talk, or share their happiness with parents. Moreover, parents should give children good advice when they need.

Sometimes your child may announce, “Mom, I have invited my friends home on Sunday” without consulting you. In this situation, the mother should not show her approval and say “yes” happily. Since, the child had to consult with her mother to see if she was allowed to invite her friends home or not. The same goes for school, when it is about academic assignments, we give children a choice, but when it comes to classroom rules, there is no concession. Rules are rules; they cannot be changed or ignored.

–  Sometimes in shopping malls we may come across children crying and insisting on buying something they want. How to control children in the shopping mall?

–  It depends on the age and how mature the child is. Prior to going out, you need to talk and deal with your child about the rules of the place you are leaving for and how they should act there.

For example, when you are going to a water park, you talk about safety rules and the importance of following these rules. Therefore, you should talk with your child in the same way once you get out and do the shopping. For instance, you might say that we are going to the market, where you can choose only one thing. Or if you are going to a restaurant or cafe, you may ask him what he wants in advance. Or if you go to a toy store, you talk about whether he can choose one or two toys, depending on your budget. In a word, you decide beforehand at home what to buy or order. Otherwise, the kid will be excited and believe that he can choose as many things as he wants. However, when he gets to the store, it turns out that he can pick only one, and then the scream show starts.

If you start applying these rules since an early age of your children, you will not experience any drawback once they grow up.

Parents must always keep in mind that if they say no, it is not. Once they change their mind, children will always do their best to influence them and turn the situation to their advantage.

-Majority of immigrants complain that after moving to Canada, a big gap emerged between them and their children. Their children used to be more responsible and respectful to them, and they had good relations with them. Having lived here for a few years, everything changed, children did not listen to their parents anymore. Parents are of the opinion that they are defeated and lost in Canada as a parent. What can parents do to avoid above-mentioned problems?

– In their home country, children go to school, come back home and do, literally, what their moms tell them. However, here we teach children their rights and ability to struggle for their rights. On the other hand, children and young people, in contrast to their own countries, have more freedom in Canada. If you move to this country, you have to be attentive and spend much time with your children. I understand, it is not easy. Both parents need to work to get better well-being. Furthermore, you should carry out more research, read books, and articles on relationship with children, how to adjust to a new country etc.

As children grow up, parents perceive that their plans break down on children. The reason standing behind this belief is related with slow adjustment of parents to a new environment, society, and innovation in general. We – adults are stuck with the traditions of the past. We strive to change our style, thoughts and adapt to a new environment, while children easily admit and adapt them in the blink of an eye. So problems and conflicts stem from here. You have no choice but to change for your child. If you do not want your child to change and adapt to a new environment, you do not have any other choice, but to go back to where you came from. It is the only solution for those who refuse to change.

If parents shut themselves off and try to cope with the problem by their own, the relationship will worsen more and more. What’s more, you need to have sufficient fund to be able to provide your children with various activities, courses after school and keep them busy. Otherwise, when your child’s classmates talk about going in for sport, ballet or other activities, if your child has no additional activity, he has nothing to say. Consequently, he will feel isolated and lonely.

Parents should bear in mind that the environment is a pivotal factor affecting the child. A smart parent is someone who is agile and flexible to admit innovations, and inclined to socialize with others and learn from them.